An Open Letter to the Yoga Community One Year After Resigning My Anusara Certification
Almost one year ago I resigned my Anusara certification.
Between then and now I’ve done a lot of processing, a lot of quiet mulling and a lot of speaking up. I’ve been inspired by new freedom. I’ve invested in some close new friendships while thrilling to say, “Sayonara!” to other former associates. I have grown myself up.
None of my experience is relevant to Yoga Journal. They have yet to find the disintegration of Anusara yoga newsworthy.
One of the best–and hardest–things for me this year has been the shattering of beloved protocols I knew both by heart, and by rote. I’ve taken steps–tentative at first and then more assured–outside the comfortable box in which I had safely–or so I thought!–dwelled for over a decade. I have decided what I think makes for good yoga and also reclaimed interests in things other than yoga. I’ve questioned pretty much everything–including whether or not to continue on in this profession.
Questioning everything is good work but it’s exhausting. Moving on: it’s not the unilaterally forward trajectory we might hope for. All this year I have looked both forward and back. Word trickles in, mostly through Facebook; John Friend is teaching again.
Oof.
It hurts.
It hurts to learn that some knowingly choose to attend his workshops. I mean, it’s not an incapacitating kind of hurt, or something I ruminate upon every moment of the day, but it is something I think about. I realize that it is beyond my control. I don’t presume to tell anyone what to do. I’m just explaining how it lands on me.
It’s like saying, “Hey, I know this person broke your heart and the hearts of so many others, and detrimentally affected your livelihoods, and made having sex with him one of the most viable ways to advance professionally in his organization. I have heard the accounts of how he predated upon women who’d been sexually abused, and engineered career-devastating blacklists against teachers who dared stand up to him. So he subjected uncomfortable workers in his office to viewing photos of himself being fellated? So he used the Anusara data base as a mechanism for inflicting unwelcome sexual advances? So he is a self-admitted, ‘Master Manipulator’? So he intended to fire employees while assuring them that their jobs were secure? So what? My desire to have a good time is more important than all that.”
It feels about equivalent to being flipped the bird.
“No matter what he’s done, he’s still a good teacher,” I read on Facebook.
To which I say, “No.”
No.
No, because good teachers do not prey upon their students and employees. Good teachers may have private lives but they do not have secret lives. Good teachers don’t lie. They don’t injure students so severely that they can’t walk or even sit, and then climb upon stage boasting: “Not a single person has ever been hurt during any of my events.” Good teachers don’t abruptly, imperiously demand 10% of community earnings because they’re overextended and short on cash.
Good teachers do not do any of these things. Therefore by my calculations John Friend cannot be good teacher.
No matter how it gets dismissed and spun, the outrage of the community was never about a little pot and a little sex. It was always about the abuse of power. I’ll never understand why we resent the Bernie Madoffs and Jeffrey Skillings of the world but don’t seem to mind abuse at the hands of famous, charismatic yogis.
“But what about forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness?” so many of us are asked. “When do you forgive, forgive, forgive? You’re only hurting yourself, yourself, yourself…”
Well, I believe in forgiveness. Much like respect, I believe it is a privilege that is earned rather than a god given entitlement. I decline indiscriminate forgiveness and am here to report that it’s not deleterious.
Where my trust has been violated, I determine when–and if–to forgive. Claiming that prerogative for myself is a way of respecting myself. Being too quick to forgive is a good way to enable people who need help, a better way to encourage repeat abuse, and the very best way to bypass emotions that–although painful–would be better felt.
Yet I find no shortage of people who tell me how to feel; no lack of readiness to police my emotions. I would be shamed if I allowed myself to be.
But I refuse.
I shall of course receive emails after posting this letter. I shall be the recipient of advice from those who would police my feelings and tell me–for my own good and with love–exactly what should be in my heart. Let the illuminating begin.
The irony is that I’m mostly not dwelling on John Friend. I’m about the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m exhausted but, emotionally, feel good. This blog post is just a tiny snippet of my reality–not its sum total.
So, yeah, sometimes I find myself revisiting the past and it bugs me but then I remember the present. Sometimes I even dare to dream a little daydream about the future.
And I smile.
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I see that many of our large institutions retain a loyal following after demonstrating their egregiously bad manners and complete lack of class. The Catholic church comes to mind. And the Boy Scouts. At least we know where people who like that sort of thing hang out. Our sin as a society is to not challenge them with sufficient vigor. I applaud you for being an exception. Very cool.
hmmm….yes and oy…..
so yeah, i sooooooooo get the ” i can’t believe these people don’t care about integrity, ethics” and the like….i so get that…..but in a way, spouting it all out the way you have takes a hint of YOUR integrity away…..know what i mean?
i have a “friend”ly in my neighborhood…..as a matter of fact, after a long term relationship of many many years, this “guru”, who is beloved by many, is secretly already involved with no other than an anusarian who has been on his heels all throughout his long term love affair…..he was even emotionally massaging this new relationship while trying a “reconciliation” with his “beloved”. All the while the community at large feeling HE was the victim of leaving the studio he created with his former life partner. ….all the while it was HE who chose to go and SHE was left looking like the “bad” one while he continued and still continues his secret seduction of the latest adorer. These folks are narcissists dear….This shit goes on day in and day out….here’s my REAL two cents:
Let these folks vibrate on that low low plane with Friend….and let them believe they are living and offering ‘LOVE AND LIGHT” …it’s their Karma…..period….those who won’t see or can’t see, AREN’T SUPPOSE TO….you should know this by now…..you have studied and lived long enough to know that we are all at different evolutionary levels…..
your beauty, and i suppose mine for this rant, is stolen by dumbing down to this soap box crap….it’s really none of our business…..we gots more important things to do….
exhale……sigh
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I disagree that my sharing information about someone who I perceive to be a predator compromises my integrity. As I see it, knowing this information and remaining silent would be the unethical choice.
exactly
I agree. You are absolutely right on.
I agree 100% Bernie. That was the problem from the beginning…
Thanks for putting words to what many of us have felt. I sort of don’t care any more but we all but a lot of time (and trust) into this. The most important thing is for all of us to continue to grow and share our gifts.
Blessings, Bruce
Certified Anusara (but no longer licensed)
Very interesting post – the end was a little Anusara-yoga – find the good for my taste, but the rest of it I really like. JF Is coming to Madison, near my house and I am intrigued — I just can’t believe he’s out there reinventing himself in the hot yoga world and I also can’t believe Yoga Journal never has written about it — it should have been a cover story. They had that big Anusasara-Fest not so long before it all crumbled.
What is the “master manipulator” reference?
I very much appreciate you writing about why to not show up at his workshops and what a manipulative leader he is. You have been a leader and clear voice throughout all of this — thank you.
The “master manipulator” comment was made by John in a phone conversation with a formerly certified teacher. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I can see why you’d find the end a little too “look for the good-ish” but I wanted to make the point that my experience is bigger than just John Friend. The truth is that good things _have_ come out of the discomfort of this year but that’s because I decided to do the work not because John did me any favors. (:
Thank you for sharing! I totally agree that this information should be expressed. People who assume public positions of authority require public address. This is different from tabloid junk about Hollywooders.
I humbly advise that the name calling is not necessary. The content of the story let’s the reader formulate their own opinion. Throwing out hearsay terms like ‘master manipulator’ is, in its own way, manipulative. You would have done fine without it.
Thanks for responding to my comment. You definitely have given me pause to not sign up for anything with him. You and Emma Magenta have been leading voices of conscience in this — thank you very much for your courage and leadership.
Thank you for this honest expression. It is beautifully written
As a former employee (in a very happy, faithful marriage) this is one of the best pieces I have seen in the last year.
Thanks, BB. One thought about forgiveness: it is sometimes confused with reconciliation. Forgiveness for someone else’s misdeeds is really an internal process for the forgiver-to-be. It comes from hard work. Forgiveness is part of one’s own healing process. It is given to one’s self.
Reconciliation is what is given to the antagonist, if appropriate. Sometimes, it never is appropriate. Reconciliation requires something from the antagonist, like a full acknowledgment of the misdeed, a meaningful apology, an attempt to make whole. This is not a complete list, and it does vary per instance. But in all cases, reconciliation is given to the antagonist because of his or her changes in behavior following acceptance of the misdeed(s).
It is quite possible to forgive someone, but not reconcile with them. One can even forgive a deceased person, when reconciliation is no longer possible. After the hard work, this can be a path to healing and peace.
As the spouse of a former employee… I am happy to say that none of his garbage or manipulation had an affect on us as a couple other than some conversation that had us asking… Seriously?. But his issues made for a difficult work enviroment.. No a hostile work environment. Like my wife, many there actually liked there job but didnt like or deserve the drama that was being orchastrated in such a massive web of deception and abuse of power. In my opinion, he hasn’t learned, nor will he.
I like yoga as a workout, and a good or even great excesses for our body but I’m not into the lifestyle so to speak. (nothing against it either). I went to one of his workshops and the work out was good and not knowing much about themYoga comity, Im guessing he was good. However, having worked in jobs where you need to read people well… He set my BS meter off on day one, I voiced my thoughts, and they were quickly confirmed. I am proud of those who worked there and remained professional and didn’t fall prey to the deception or drawn into the drama. To those that fell victim to his manipulation, May you heel quickly
Thanks for this post. I am so torn. I have a teacher in my area who is a serious Anusara advocate. (S)he is encouraging me to start on the path, to take a teacher training, etc. I’ve been following the “drama” and am uncomfortable with the whole idea. (S)he teaches a class at a “nondenominational” yoga studio and quotes JF in our class a lot. I really love this teacher, their energy, their style, their support. But I’m confused as to why they are still heavily involved in Anusara. I don’t want to bring it up with them, I don’t want to discontinue practicing with them, and I don’t want to have anything to do with Anusara at the same time. I just plain don’t know what to do…
Which makes me angry. Abandon my teacher and their grace or not. Feels like picking sides. Which doesn’t feel like yoga…
I’m sorry you’re in this position. The fallout ripples continue to affect many. Knowing what I now know, I could never in good conscience recommend that anyone participate in an Anusara training. It would be like saying, “Hey, I know this great guy Bernie Madoff and you should invest all your money in him!” Good luck.
Thank you got speaking not only your truth, the truth. As a student of yoga, I bow deeply in respect to you and am honored that you share your path here. There is a resonance on this path in this way that you question everything that speaks to me, and an understanding of forgiveness that illuminates. Thank you!
Bravo! As I tell my students who ask, I’m a recovering anusaric. The ones who were on the Anusara journey all understand. A practice that was one pointed, hard, scoop that tailbone until it’s in your chest, masculine and manipulative. Once the “news” broke, I realized like my teachers, “now what”? Reinvention time!!! (I love my teacher and she was dooped like everyone else)
When I decided I wanted to begin the teacher training I realized taking a second mortgage on my house to do a teacher training with no guarantee of passing even after 11 years with one teacher all anusara, workshops galore, following some “guru” around kissing his feet, wasn’t for me. So glad that Aha moment happened.
Now, I gladly hop around from class to class for myself, as I have for the past year, exploring all the awesome and wonderful styles of yoga, not following anyone but myself. Expanding my horizon with teachers like Doug Keller, Max Strom, KC yoga fest, and who knows…. I will say, it has expanded my teaching like I never imagined. That is being open to GRACE!
I love reading your honest opinions and it’s great to know real people with real thoughts still use their god given voice, without harm.
thank you for your honesty and clarity.
Forgiveness does not mean that you have to feel a certain thing or not feel a certain thing. It is not about you telling the person it is OK that they did what they did, or that you are open to a future relationship with that person…in fact you may not want that ever. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel angry or hurt….it just means that you have made a decision to not let the event or person hold your life’s focus on the past holding your future hostage there. And it seems you are already on that road. So, as you can see, it is not earned at all. And in many religious beliefs it is a God given right.
As a newly trained teacher in the Anuasara method, I was devastated by the events that unfolded a year ago. It threw me for a loop and forced me to reevaluate my relationship with the studio where I was trained, with the teacher that I respected, who chose to stay affiliated with Anusara. I began to see the difference between teaching yoga and running a business. I get that now. My BS meter, as CJ wrote, kicked in the first time I heard JF, so the allegations against him were not the surprise to me, but the corruption that surrounded his secret life. So I used the yoga I had learned and moved forward in my truth. Although this year has been an effort in redirecting, I am gaining lessons from various places and using my own discretion in synthesizing these, which feels more authentic anyway. I am a better person for it and am so thankful for the good sense I had a year ago to step away. Your article here churned up some old feelings, but I love how I resonnated with your take on this. Thanks for sharing so freely and reminding me that I am not alone.
Bernadette, I truly want to thank you for all the sharing you’ve done throughout this past year. I’ve been teaching yoga for about 10 years now (not Anusara) and I’ve been following this story since it broke last year. I absolutely 100% agree with you that any self-respecting yogi/ni with the barest inkling of knowledge about the yamas and niyamas SHOULD take a stand against JFs abuses. I don’t understand the attitudes of others to look the other way when this was so clearly NOT about someone just smoking pot… he affected the lives and livelihoods of so many in such a negative way. When I teach my teacher trainees, I use his abuse and the fallout as an example when we cover Ethics of Teaching. Please continue to stand for what is right. Namaste.
One should recognize that modern american hatha yoga superstars, by definition, have clay feet. I love my vinyasa and I even take in a few Bikram sessions when I want a hella sweat but Jeez to lay any kind of deep Patanjali-level yogic trust in these people is just plain foolish. Hatha yoga is a small part of personal yogic development – 1/8th to be precise.
I’m not sure I understand. I understand your point clearly- Though it seems- since JF is no longer part of the Anusara establishment. Does that still make it evil/bad? Because that is what I feel you are implying(hence the Bernie comment). It would seem like the Anusara community on the whole is suffering. I have no ties to any particular style so I’m a little confused by the shunning of the style is the fault actually lies within the individual. I don’t think I would readily join or take part of anything new this person started because there seems to be a question of where he’s really at- kind of like when they give a slap on the wrist to a child molester. I would just like clarification about the Anusara- what still makes it bad if the person themselves who created the damage is gone. In gratitude,
Lucy
Thanks for your comment, Lucy. That is a great question. Although John was urged to give ownership of Anusara yoga to the teachers, he declined. In spite of a great deal of spin to make it appear that he has separated himself from Anusara the truth is that John Friend remains the legal owner of Anusara yoga trademarks. The “new” Anusara yoga consists of a body of–as far as I know–volunteers who have assumed all responsibility yet pay their licensing fee to John. Supporting Anusara financially supports John Friend.
Love your candid letter. You rock the idea of forgiveness. You’re right: it’s something too often given with haste and really, something that needs to happen over time. We all make mistakes. Sure. I agree that what Friend did, however, wasn’t a mistake but a choice… and a very abusive one. Take your time.
There was a sentence in this blog that caught my eye and made me pause. “I don’t presume to tell anyone what to do.” Considering the scourged earth campaign that you and some others waged against those who had a different opinion from yours, had a different experience, came to a different conclusion that you did or were simply slower in resigning than you were, can you really honestly make that claim?
I’m not sure precisely what you mean by “scorched earth campaign” but given its military definition it sounds like you’re implying that I somehow destroyed something or some group of people. I would like to clarify: having a strong well-informed opinion does not scorch the earth. Nor does daring to speak the truth, or revealing pertinent information others were not privy to. Anusara combusted because its underbelly did not reflect its super shiny candy-coating, not because I argued against the unethical behavior of its founder.
Certainly, I am making an argument in favor of choosing to support teachers with integrity and choosing not to enable teachers who put students at risk. I’m making that argument as strongly as I can, and without apology. That said, freedom is at the very heart of my yoga practice so, while I may argue a case, I actually do not presume to tell you what to do. That’s between you and your conscience.
It is not really my place to have an opinion or comment about your motivation, process or how you experienced the events of last year. I simply was commenting on your assertion that you don’t presume to tell others what to do. There is ample evidence scattered about on the internet that suggests otherwise, including you telling prominent Anusara teachers that they had a duty to take a stand and resign their certification.
In regards to the scorched earth analogy which you associate with military style destruction, I wouldn’t perhaps take it that far. However, there are many outside of the Anusara Universe, let me reiterate that, outside of the Anusara Universe; who feel that you and those who have been in lock step with you over the past year have at the very least done no less damage to the Yoga community at large than John Friend did with his shenanigans. I have no doubt that you would passionately disagree with that assertion and that is just fine with me. You get to have your own experience.
When these multitudes who feel that I have done more harm to yoga than John Friend reveal themselves I shall happily set them straight. In the meanwhile, in my book, that prize goes to the guy who “heals” students with his penis.
Bernadette, you ROCK. I took a workshop with you and Carolyn Fahey AGES and AGES ago at Yoga for Everybody in Fairfield (I was in high school, maybe 15 years old and had just gotten started in yoga… I still remember everything we did in that workshop, especially the partner handstand assist!)
Thank you thank you THANK you for writing all of this. And especially that last bit
I’ve felt jaded from Anusara for a long, long, time. I wasn’t surprised at all when this news broke last year. I can’t imagine the difficulties, both emotional and and professional, that you’ve had to endure. I applaud you for your candid, outspoken commentary. Brava.
I hope I get to meet you again someday soon!
I can only imagine what it must be like to have lived through all that you have with this John Friend fiasco… but one thing that caught my attention was the bit about forgiveness… I am not one minute going to preach who and why one should forgive, but an interesting saying came to mind.
Justice is getting what you deserve
Mercy is not getting what you deserve
Grace (forgiveness) is getting what you don’t deserve
forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay or has been repaid or repented, but rather saying what happened no longer hurts me… I have released it to something greater than myself.. it has nothing to do with the person who it is directed toward.
Well said
I saw your post today “Almost one year ago”
and I just wanted to tell you it really resonated. Thank
you – direct honest words that I appreciated reading.
I met JF years ago when I was part of Siddha Yoga, and
fortunately didn’t get caught up with his drama. I had
enough to figure out after being in Siddha Yoga for 12+
years, and the disconnect that I felt after leaving that
community has been hard to figure out and patch up.
So thanks again – the way you spoke about your experience
was a gift.
Well said. I have thought each of these things myself but never have been able to put all of it together in one place. Still makes me sad ….. a whole community of yogis were taken in by his charm and charisma. And collectively duped by empty promises.
I dislike vitriolic tirades and character assassinations. I abhor it when individuals stand on their soap boxes and point fingers at others’ faults and shortcomings. So much of that goes on in this world, and innocent people who have the courage to put their necks out and stand in the public eye become victims of linguistic violence and innuendo.
I have no first hand knowledge of what John Friend did or didn’t do relative to sex, drugs and rock and roll. I rely on, at the very best, second hand information to formulate my opinion. I did, however, witness some of the behaviours that you indicate, Bernadette, and I found myself appalled at the hubris of a man whom I respected as a leader, and my original model for yoga practice.
No one has the right to tell you what you “should” or shouldn’t feel, and give you a timeline for forgiveness. As you eloquently express, that is an individual process, and one that requires reflection and integrity. It often requires a great deal of courage to go against the fray, and I applaud you for sticking to your guns and allowing grace to guide you through this process. After all, opening to grace was one of the tenets that made the practice of Anusara attractive in the first place wasn’t it?
Blessings to you.
Amazing. You rock.